Why Marriages Die? The Bitter Tears of Martha Castro

Yesterday I had a strange encounter. I went out to get a burger and met a woman that used to work with me a few years ago. Martha Castro is her name and she was there also just for a lunch break. She was nice and we started asking how each of us is doing. She said she got divorced and after a year of crying and deep depression she feels much better now and finally enjoys her new opportunities as a single person. She was in an abusive relationship, with kids. I congratulated her that she found the strength and came to terms with her new free life. I returned to my office and just couldn't help thinking about other people I knew. You see, I work with people and it upsets me when I see marriages falling apart. Why does it happen? You get a few typical answers: “married to wrong person”, “love died”, “he was a complete asshole/she was an überbitch”.

I know, there are similar hubs about marriage but I find each of them interesting and adding something new to think about. I hope some cases below will also have you meditate upon the complicated world of marriage.

1. Poor conditions. If your union will degrade to screams about where’s the money, begging to get money and even hiding money from your loved one, the chances that healthy marriage will last are minimal. Especially for women it’s hard to be on their feet and cope with husbands who control the small buck. Yes, both spouses may work and bring money but if they fail to break the overall low quality of their life style, it will lead to more stress and limit your ability to express your feelings outside standard bedtime activities (and a visit to a fancy restaurant once in a blue moon). “All you need is money from me!” will be the unjust furious verdict. Fix: improve your conditions; get a better job for yourself and your spouse.

2. Too much comfort. I’m myself a strong believer that relations should be based on the fear of losing your loved one. No, not hysterical text messages every 30 minutes where you are, but being alert that if you don’t keep proving yourself, don’t present yourself competitive enough, and don’t exhibit caring, (s)he’ll be gone. There should be a danger in love. People are different. Some like the secure comfort, why not? If both parties feel that way – fine. But the downside of the security of marriage is that people start to care less: indeed why should we? (S)he’s mine by law anyway, and we have a "plan". Prediction of your spouse’s moves comes next. All that leads to wearing out the relationship, like a pair of jeans. One day you look at your holey jeans and think - that needs to be thrown away. Men and women like to prey and play, that’s what probably got you together. Fix: keep it attractive, wear nice clothes, watch your body and physical health, and make it more interesting, more dangerous.

3. Sexual routine or even denial of such by your spouse. There are couples who practice sex very occasionally and they are alright about that. But if in your case there is lack of understanding of sexual needs, you must force to ask yourselves, is that what you both want and what are the reasons behind it. Pay attention to little details that do trigger you or your spouse’s sexual attention. Fix: be adventurous, exhibit your fantasies, in the end it’s all play.

4. No ecstatic excitement. Why people fall in love in the first place? They get infatuated, they get carried away by flirtations and tingling sensations about something new and fantastic in their life, they are actually interested for once in the other person, no matter how petite the object of interest may be. It’s a unique and powerful emotion and itself may be stronger than the ultimate sexual intercourse which itself may be seen as the banal end of such infatuation. Fix: it’s admittedly hard to revive the spark that once was or simulate another one. You can always bring up the Holy Grail of your marriage, that is, recalling together the roots of your loving relationship but it works only temporarily. Find fun, because that was definitely in the origin of most relationships.

5. Exhaustion and irritation. You get to the point that whenever your spouse says or does anything it annoys you endlessly. Your significant other placed a jar not where it’s supposed to stand and it's the end of the world. It’s not about the jar, it’s about negative emotions that it evokes. And mostly they come from your exhaustion and growing dissatisfaction in your life, less humor. If the older you get the bleaker your fate seems to you, the more irritated you’ll be about everything that seems to be in the way to… well your own no future, actually. Fix: ask yourself if you have a goal in your life? Do you have enough humor in your daily life? Maybe both of you can leave each other for a while. When you’re alone you learn not to blame on someone (there won’t be one) and make decisions on your own that bring you closer to your goal. That will help to bring a different perspective to your marriage.

6. Physical abuse. Usually it comes from one’s inner frustrations with oneself and others, and/or the inability to understand one’s own emotions and control them. Among factors contributing to this trait could be abusive upbringing, highly stressful life, the lack of confidence and as a result the aspiration to dominate and suppress. It’s important to unlock the core of the frustration and what it is really directed towards: the life, situation with work, future goals, confidence. Fix: in most cases both parties need a help: the abusive ones and the victims. They have to be honest about it. You can’t win it alone.

7. Feelings die. All the flesh and blood is gone, leaving the skeleton of marriage to hang on certain obligations between each other (kids, money, business, sickness). You scratch the bottom of your soul barrel and there’s absolutely nothing about your spouse; you can’t even remember how you got together in the first place. Yet there was something in the beginning that brought you so close together. Some maintain basically a financial union that helps them to get by. There are cases when very successful couples keep the business together in name but have their private lives separate from each other. Royal and clan marriages were mostly arranged and handled on that principle. Fix: if you both are aware of it and consciously await the moment when the situation will change and free both of you, then you know what to expect and to do.

8. People change. Don't overlook this factor, especially if you’re young. It’s natural to grow up and develop mentally and psychologically. People start to see themselves and the world differently and your partner would seem something that you’ve grown out of. Some people develop certain preferences and ideas that their spouses are unlikely to implement. So eventually you may realize you have everything less and less common with your spouse. The same scenario could be with your spouse who feels the same way about you. Fix: take your spouse onboard towards your aspirations and share your weltanschauung with her/him. If your spouse’s personality is rather receptive and maybe even submissive, you may succeed. If not, not much is there left in such a marriage.

9. Intervention of in-laws, parents, friends. Yes, those relatives of ours can really make our lives more difficult and unpleasant and at times it get really unbearable. They act in their interests, which may seem illogical to the outsider. Parents may have never accepted their child’s choice and they would use any opportunity to prove they were right. Your friends also may think your choice is awkward and would create tensions. The means of influence on your closest relatives and friends are rather limited. Fix: either you break them or you have to clear the space, that is, move away from relatives and friends, somewhere where no one knows you.

I left out pathological cases of sickness, perversions, alcohol and drug addiction. But if you notice, it's all about how you feel about yourself in first place, if you're happy with yourself and where you're personally going.